She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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