I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
