No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
