let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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