After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Pooping to opera.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
