I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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