therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
