By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
