i can juggle bunnies
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
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i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.