I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
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No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back