I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
