im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
