I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
