youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
