I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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