i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
