yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
