nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
