Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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