Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
