That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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