i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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