The best revenge is premature balding
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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