Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
