You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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