Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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