I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
