Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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