If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
did you just send me my own nude
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
