Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
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I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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