i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
