she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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