you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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