The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
