so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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