some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
