she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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