if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
