I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize