shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
