he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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