i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
