last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
