You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
