He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
