So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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