so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
