on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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