Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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