Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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