WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
