Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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