final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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