I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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