they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I wish I only lived at night.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
