ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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