I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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