i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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