half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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